Today, I found out why my girlfriend has been angry with me ever since I moved in with her. Apparently, she is pissed that I taught her cat how to play fetch and keep treating him like a dog. FML
No worries. Just teach her the same thing and she will find out how fun it is.
Today, I had to call the cops on my neighbor. I was heading off to work when I saw him actually shitting in our yard. The reason? They caught my dumbass rebel of a son on their security camera, shitting in their yard. FML
You think your life sucks? Think about the cop that have to strighten this mess out.
Today, I went kayaking with some friends, and I had an empty beer can dedicated to throwing cigarette butts in. After running out of beer, I took a big swig from the only can in my kayak. Twice. FML
No worries. Some nicotine will cheer you up
Today, I found out that my best friend and I are pregnant. This would be much more exciting if my boyfriend wasn’t the father of both. FML
Now you both dump him and get along with your lifes.
Today, out of pure desperation and loneliness, I went out with my ex-boyfriend. It ended with him hitting me and driving off with my car. He’s in jail now. What was I thinking? FML
You wasn´t thinking. Next time you will think.
Today, I developed a serious case of diarrhea. This wouldn’t be so bad if I wasn’t suffering from a severe cough as well. I’m terrified to cough again, because I’m running out of clean underwear. FML
Just sit on the toilet coughing. As long as you don´t throw up at the same time you are fine.
Today, I went to my husband’s funeral. Not his real one, his rehearsal funeral. He just wants to make sure everything will go according to plan. As far as I know, he is a very healthy 26-year-old. FML
Don´t complain until it´s your funeral and not rehearsal
Today, I watched as a bin man picked up and threw into his truck the bag I foolishly left a few metres from a public bin before I got on the train. That bag contained every document that proves my identity for my new job, my driver’s licence, birth certificate, passport, oh and my wallet. FML
You still have a pen though. Right?
Today, it’s my birthday, none of my friends wished me a thing. I spent the whole day crying and then decided to call few of them and sobbingly demanded an explanation. Most of them didn’t pick up, the rest called me a drama queen, saying that my birthday isn’t as important as I think. FML
You can still make a surprise-party for yourself…