Today, I went in for an interview. While I was waiting to be called, I used the restroom. When I stood up to wipe, I slipped on the floor and fell ass first into the unflushed toilet. I was found an hour later, covered in my own shit and too injured to move. FML
Ok, but did you got the job?
Today, I was driving home from an event on the coast. I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going, and before I realised what’d happened, I ended up 20 km out of a town that I don’t even live in. FML
Ok. Exciting. Who knows what will turn up after next turn…
Today, I returned to work after testing out my theory yesterday that absolutely nobody would notice or care if I just did not show up. So far so good. FML
Good to know if you need a day of some other time.
Today, my son brought his new girlfriend home. I took him aside and hugged him, reassuring him that I loved and accepted him no matter his sexual preference. He looked at me confused and asked what I meant. His girl was obviously trans, but he had no idea. I didn’t know he didn’t know. FML
Don´t worry. He would have noticed later on anyway…
Today, I simultaneously learned that fracturing your penis is a thing that can happen while my wife fractured mine in the middle of some rough reverse cowgirl. My penis is now black and blue with an almost 90 degree bend, and to make it worse the ambulance guys thought it was funny. FML
At least got sex. 90 degrees is a lot though….
Today, my wife asked me what I wanted for my birthday, and I said sex. She told me to grow up and ask for something more realistic. FML
Ask for some money and you can go out and buy yourself what you are wishing for your birthday.
Today, my mom told me that she had great news: we were going to meet my biological parents. I didn’t know I was adopted. FML
Well, now you know. Surprise.
Today, I was at the Wendy’s drive-through with my four kids in the car. As the worker handed me my food through the window, a man wearing a ski mask ran right between us, snatched the bags of food and took off. They refused to refund me for the food, because they said I staged the whole thing. FML
Well, you probably did. Otherwhise how hard would it be following a runing man with your car?
Today, my lamp wouldn’t turn on. I spent a good 10 minutes looking for a replacement bulb before I thought to check if it was plugged in. It wasn’t. FML
No complaining. Problem solved.