fmylife.com
fmylife.com
- By Sirsriracha - Today, I posted bail for my mom from jail. She did a hit and run, and then resisted arrest. When I asked why she didn’t stay at the scene, she unapologetically said, “I was gonna be late to church.” FML
- By Anonymous - Today, my drunk neighbor couldn’t get into his apartment and thought it would be a good idea to poop in our yard. He left a pile of diarrhea under our window, and poop-stained napkins all over the lawn. FML
- [spicy] | By cottage cheese-cunt - Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML
- By Anonymous - Today, I got a call from my boyfriend, who was half asleep at 3 am, saying he was yelling my name because he needed toilet paper. We don’t even live together. FML
- By Anonymous - Today, my cat vomited down my heater vent. It went very far down. I'm not even sure if I got all of it. FML
- By ProjectDude - Today, a group project for work was due. I honestly forgot about it and edited some words to make it seem like I worked on it. Did you know that Google Docs spreadsheet can track not only the changes made, but who made the changes? My colleagues were pissed. FML
- [spicy] | By E.. - Today, for the first time I had to lie to the man I intend to marry, because I had a very intense and hot dream about Leslie Nielsen. FML
- By Anonymous - Today, I went to the local street fair and ran into my boyfriend of five years. He was with his girlfriend of ten years. We both had no idea about each other. His family knew we both existed, and never said a word. FML
- By Anonymous - Today, I was talking to a friend on the phone, asking him pick me up for a cookout while his kids were yelling in the background, asking where my friend, their dad, was going. He jokingly answered them, "To pick up my ugly friend." They quickly replied with my name, out of the dozens of friends he hangs out more with. FML
- By Vladislav - Today, my best friend and I watched the "OK Google" horror short film. It's about a ghost that controls a Google Home device. Right after the short ended, my Google Nest Mini came off the wall and stopped reacting. Neither of us was near it. FML
- [spicy] | By Dan - Today, my boyfriend came out as a polyamorous, and then immediately asked me if he could date another guy I thought was my friend. I’m such a pushover, I said yes. FML
- By Fuck you, Yolanda! - Today, I have an egregious delinquent neighbor. She is always using internet and electrical services illegally, but is always getting packages from Amazon. Her packages are always left at my place, as she is so afraid of tax collectors, she won't open the door. She gave my billing address without my consent. FML
- By Anonymous - Today, my mother found out that my fiancée broke up with her last boyfriend because she didn't want kids and he did. She's now demanding that I either change her mind, or call things off with her. FML
- By IAmJacksDeflatedHappiness - Today, I asked my family not to disturb me while I slept, as I had hit over 72 hours of insomnia. My family must have heard me say, “Come in every 20 minutes and wake me up with whatever banal shit you can think of.” I gave up when my mother-in-law decided to enter my room and start vacuuming the floor. FML
- By Anonymous - Today, due to increasing frequency and severity of hypoglycemic symptoms, I went to the doctor. Apparently, the pill may have given me a rare form of temporary diabetes. She wants me to be a case study for the next 12 months. FML