Today, after losing my job, my apartment and my man, I had to move back in with my mom, at 37. She’s a total slob; I can’t function without clean, organized spaces. So, hey, at least I have a new full-time job now: cleaning up after her. FML
Great. You have a place to stay and something to do.
Today, my mom told me that she had great news: we were going to meet my biological parents. I didn’t know I was adopted. FML
Well, now you know. Surprise.
Today, while arguing with my husband, I asked him what makes him so angry. He threw a spoon at the kitchen floor and yelled, “ I AM NOT ANGRY!!!!” FML
Alright then. No problem.
Today, I discovered that my cool, unique first name translates to “unwanted” in Hindi. Both my parents studied abroad in India for five years. FML
They probably didn´t pick up that much of the language when they were there…
Today, I bought my first vibrator, which I have to hide cause my mom is super uptight and thinks all forms of pleasure are immoral. Unfortunately, she found it within 5 minutes of me hiding it and grounded me for a month, but that night, I actually caught her using it. I’m still grounded, hypocritical woman. FML
No problem beeing grounded if there is a vibrator in the house.
Today, I was shopping for socks and I went to look in the men’s section. Dad said: “You don’t want those, they are for men.” I asked what the difference was? He looked around, and then leaned in and whispered: “Men have a penis!” FML
Now you know.
That saves you a lot of time though…
Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex. Everything was going great until I noticed a small blinking light on my shelf. It turns out that it was a camera. My mom put it there to make sure I cleaned my room. She saw the whole thing. FML
I guess you got a rebuff of cleaning your room then…
Today, I was woken up by my brothers drunk throwing wet Cheerios on my face at 3:00 am and asking for a pillow. FML
Good thing he didn´t throw up wet Cheeritos on you.
Today, while sleeping off my hangover, my niece asked me to get her a drink. I gave her a beer, I didn’t notice it until it was gone. She is only 6 years old. FML
You will be remembered as the best nephew ever. (By some).