when life sucks… You can always see it from the bright side

Today, I gave my wife a £55 gin Advent calendar. She gave me a £1 one with chocolates i don’t like. FML

If you get a divorce, half of your stuff will go to you so at least you will get at least half of the gin bottles, and get rid of half of the choclate.

Today, the weird guy with the ‘Elvis in Las Vegas’ haircut-and-sunglasses combo who cleans tables at my work tried to hit on me. This is the most interest any man has given me in a year. FML

At least ha have hair (unless it´s wig).

Today, I went to the bathroom at my boyfriend’s house. Right as I sat down and started taking a dump, I looked over at the empty toilet paper roll and remembered his roommate had told us the night before that they were out of toilet paper. FML

Just use your fantasy or your t-shirt.

Today, I went in for a routine check up. I also found out I have an incurable STD and that I’m pregnant. I’ve been married to my husband for 7 years and have never had sex with anyone else in my entire life. FML

Congratulations to the pregnancy.

Today, I still have no idea why I got married. All my wife does is drink Coke and watch TV. Perhaps the silver lining is that she’s not doing coke in powder form. FML

Right. Sugeraddict is at least legal.

Today, I was eating at a restaurant when a man came up to me and said, “You’re pathetic for having lunch with someone that much older than you.” My dad immediately got up and punched the man in the face. My fiancé’s parents had to walk in the door right as it happened. FML

Just hit them hard in the head and they wan´t remember anything…

Today, I realized I’m happier and life is better when my husband isn’t around. He isn’t abusive, just lazy and uninvolved. We have young kids and I don’t know how to leave him. FML

Welcome to the life as married.

Today, my parents told me, after 30 years of marriage, that they are getting a divorce. I went to my boyfriend’s apartment because I needed some comfort. While sobbing to him, he decided to dump me on the spot because my reaction to the news was “immature” and he wants an “adult” relationship. FML

Great. Now you and your mum can go on a double-date.

Today, my son brought his new girlfriend home. I took him aside and hugged him, reassuring him that I loved and accepted him no matter his sexual preference. He looked at me confused and asked what I meant. His girl was obviously trans, but he had no idea. I didn’t know he didn’t know. FML

Don´t worry. He would have noticed later on anyway…

Today, my wife asked me what I wanted for my birthday, and I said sex. She told me to grow up and ask for something more realistic. FML

Ask for some money and you can go out and buy yourself what you are wishing for your birthday.