when life sucks… You can always see it from the bright side

Today, the man I went on a date with a few weeks ago finally called me back. I was his “one phone call” from prison. FML

Oh, thats cute.

Today, it appears that when in high school I made one of those “If we’re unmarried at 35, we should marry each other” deals. Well, this afternoon she turned up at my house. I’m not married, but I have a pregnant girlfriend. She claimed a girlfriend doesn’t count so our promise is still binding. And yes, she had the crazy eyes. FML

It is always great with alternatives.

Today, my bodybuilder boyfriend has been cheating on me, so I slapped him. He has such huge shoulder/neck muscle stuff, his head didn’t even move, and I dislocated 2 fingers. FML

Great, now you can file him for hurting you.

Today, I found out one of my exes is trans. I’m very happy for her, but I’m starting to think I have the wrong type, as I have had 3 ex-boyfriends come out as gay and 3 come out at trans right after breaking up. I really hope my current boyfriend doesn’t have a secret. FML

Next time, just pretend to be a boy, and when your partner comes out as gay you just… surprise…

Today, I found out why my girlfriend has been angry with me ever since I moved in with her. Apparently, she is pissed that I taught her cat how to play fetch and keep treating him like a dog. FML

No worries. Just teach her the same thing and she will find out how fun it is.

Today, I found out that my best friend and I are pregnant. This would be much more exciting if my boyfriend wasn’t the father of both. FML

Now you both dump him and get along with your lifes.

Today, out of pure desperation and loneliness, I went out with my ex-boyfriend. It ended with him hitting me and driving off with my car. He’s in jail now. What was I thinking? FML

You wasn´t thinking. Next time you will think.

Today, while having dinner with my girlfriend’s very religious parents, her mother called me a heathen and said she’d convert me one day. She wasn’t kidding. FML

Good for you.

Today, I accidentally said the wrong name during sex. An ex? A friend? A side guy? Nope, none of those. I called him “Dad”. FML

Thats no problem. It would have been worse if that had been correct.

Today, my boyfriend noticed dark lines that look like scars on my inner thighs. He confronted me about them, thinking I was cutting myself, and now wants me to see a therapist because he thinks I’m suicidal. They’re stretch marks. He won’t believe me. FML

Wait until he sees you have ha bleeding hole between your legs.