fml.nu

when life sucks… You can always see it from the bright side

Today, I found out one of my exes is trans. I’m very happy for her, but I’m starting to think I have the wrong type, as I have had 3 ex-boyfriends come out as gay and 3 come out at trans right after breaking up. I really hope my current boyfriend doesn’t have a secret. FML

Next time, just pretend to be a boy, and when your partner comes out as gay you just… surprise…

Today, I found out why my girlfriend has been angry with me ever since I moved in with her. Apparently, she is pissed that I taught her cat how to play fetch and keep treating him like a dog. FML

No worries. Just teach her the same thing and she will find out how fun it is.

Today, I found out that my best friend and I are pregnant. This would be much more exciting if my boyfriend wasn’t the father of both. FML

Now you both dump him and get along with your lifes.

Today, out of pure desperation and loneliness, I went out with my ex-boyfriend. It ended with him hitting me and driving off with my car. He’s in jail now. What was I thinking? FML

You wasn´t thinking. Next time you will think.

Today, while having dinner with my girlfriend’s very religious parents, her mother called me a heathen and said she’d convert me one day. She wasn’t kidding. FML

Good for you.

Today, I accidentally said the wrong name during sex. An ex? A friend? A side guy? Nope, none of those. I called him “Dad”. FML

Thats no problem. It would have been worse if that had been correct.

Today, my boyfriend noticed dark lines that look like scars on my inner thighs. He confronted me about them, thinking I was cutting myself, and now wants me to see a therapist because he thinks I’m suicidal. They’re stretch marks. He won’t believe me. FML

Wait until he sees you have ha bleeding hole between your legs.

Today, my boyfriend is so scared of COVID that he takes precautions beyond what health professionals recommend to satisfy his OCD. He told me he wouldn’t be getting the vaccine because he “won’t be controlled by the government.” Not to worry, he will just continue to be the unbearable control freak he transformed into since this all began. FML

Great. If he is so careful with not getting the disease he won´t need the vaccine.

Today, my husband asked me to check his asshole to see if his haemorrhoid had grown any bigger. This is my life now, all romance gone, and having to check his hairy ringpiece every day, and our kids wonder why I drink before I can fall asleep. FML

That´s true love.

Today, I wore my tightest, slightly too small, push-up bra and low cut top to impress a guy at work. He came over to borrow a pen. I leaned down to get one out of my bag and my nipple popped out. FML

Don´t worry. Guys find that sexy.