when life sucks… You can always see it from the bright side

Today, I’m officially fat enough I have to lift my belly out of the way to get to my zipper when I need to pee in public toilets. I hate myself. FML

But still you are not so fat you can´t wipe your own ass.

Today, I went to get Covid test because I had chest pain and shortness of breath. Turns out, I just have depression and anxiety. FML

Yey, you don´t have Covid19. That´s a good thing.

Today, after 4 days without being able to poop, now, while sitting stuck in traffic, I have the sudden urge to use the bathroom. FML

Just use a plastic bag. If you hold it in it might take another four days.

Today, on my way to work, I realized that I took my Viagra instead of my blood pressure medication. FML

Just explain to your coworkers what happend and they can watch so everything is alright with your bloodpressure… and your thing.

Today, I decided to eat healthier. I started with making 2 eggs and burning down whole kitchen. FML

Well, don´t worry. Periodic fast is healthy too.

Today, I told my dad I had depression. He responded with, “Why do all gay people have depression?” I’m not gay. FML

So, why are you depressed?

Today, I injured my knee at a Zumba class, a class I joined to lose weight so my knees wouldn’t hurt so much. Now I can’t even go for a leisurely walk. FML

You can still do pushups.

Today, I determined that the only reason I still have a membership to my gym is that the special gummy bears they have in the vending machines are amazing. FML

Good enough.

Today, in an attempt to wash off some stress, I tried out a stress-reliever coloring book. I ended up not being able to color inside the lines, stressing me out even more as a result. FML

You can get a kids coloring book next time. There it´s easier to color inside the lines.

But no sign of infection in the bladder, right?

Today, after finishing a bottle and a half of pure cranberry juice to flush my bladder for a possible infection, I’ve been spewing liquid shits all day, my asshole burns and it hurts to sit. FML