when life sucks… You can always see it from the bright side

Today, some punk got up in my face yelling at me, pushed my wife and scratched my car with a, “What you gonna do, old man?” attitude, and yet I’m the bad guy who gets arrested because I open-palm slapped him and he fell into a glass window and fucked up his face and neck, probably permanently. FML

So what, he fucked up his face and neck permanently.

Today, I was sitting on my bike texting when someone snatched my phone and ran. Like an idiot, I jumped off my bike and ran after him. He then ran in a big circle, got on my bike and sped off. FML

Just borrow a phone, dial your own number and ask him to give the stuff back.

Today, someone broke into my house and stole all of my underwear. FML

It won´t cost you so much to buy new ones… You might not get so much from your insurancecompany though.

Today, I learned the venue owner and producer for the musical I’m in is under criminal investigation. What for? Three separate sexual assault incidents and putting cameras in our dressing rooms. FML

Yea, from now on the life of the venue owner sucks more than yours.

You are still alive

Today, after breaking up with my girlfriend of 3 years a few months ago, my boys convinced me to go out with the cute girl I had been talking to on Tinder. However, she wasn’t cute, or a girl. He robbed me. FML

Great. Now they will not beat you any more

Today, I got punched in the face, had hair ripped out of my skull and broke a tooth on the pavement when I fell. Some guy mistook me for someone else. FML

That means you deserved that placard

Today, from across the parking lot, I saw a woman break into my car and steal my “Handicapped parking” placard. Guess why I couldn’t stop her. FML

Well, you know what to wish for next christmas

Today, I was mugged by a guy in a Santa suit. FML