Today, it was my first time with a new boyfriend. We had sex in my living room. He asked if he could “eat my pussy.” This has became my parakeet’s new favorite phrase. FML
Oh thats cute.
Today, I purchased a rather expensive, self-cleaning litter box for my 4 cats. Now they’re shitting outside of the box. FML
Great. Now they can go out and shit.
Today, I got home to some mad woman in my yard screaming about pregnancy and rape, and I almost had a heart attack thinking my son was being accused of some terrible crime. Turns out she was accusing my 15-year-old tomcat of impregnating her prize winning white fluff-ball of a cat. FML
Just tell her your cat has good genes for longevity
Today, my girlfriend, KNOWING I have severe arachnophobia, changed the wallpapers on my phone and tablet to pictures of tarantulas, all because she’s mad at me. And she won’t change it back. FML
That is great therapy for you to get rid of the phobia.
Today, my cat pissed on my bed, so I had to change the sheets. Just as I got out of bed and take my first step, I stepped in my cat’s poop as well and slipped, spraining my ankle. FML
Good thing it wasn´t your poop.
Today, my husband came home with a snake. I’m terrified of snakes. He made me hold it and it bit me. I am in the hospital, and he is still keeping the snake. FML
If it didn´t had bite you you would have gone over it.
Today, I was awoken at 1:30am by a strange noise, and something tugging on my hair. I opened my eyes, to find a very large rat sitting on my pillow, chewing my hair. FML
Good thing it wasn´t your cat. You can´t keep a cat that is chewing your hair.
Great. No problems with wasps indoors anymore.
Today, my dog became too old to eat dry food. A $9 bag used to last him 3 weeks. The equivalent in the cheapest canned food is $63. FML
Well, if your dog had a “little accident” your expenses for dogfood should be just about zero.
Today, I stepped on a glue trap for scorpions. Bare foot. There was a scorpion already caught on it. It wasn’t dead. FML
Don´t worry. You should be able to talk you out of the situation and you will be released.