Today, I went to the bathroom at my boyfriend’s house. Right as I sat down and started taking a dump, I looked over at the empty toilet paper roll and remembered his roommate had told us the night before that they were out of toilet paper. FML
Just use your fantasy or your t-shirt.
Today, I went in for a routine check up. I also found out I have an incurable STD and that I’m pregnant. I’ve been married to my husband for 7 years and have never had sex with anyone else in my entire life. FML
Congratulations to the pregnancy.
Today, I still have no idea why I got married. All my wife does is drink Coke and watch TV. Perhaps the silver lining is that she’s not doing coke in powder form. FML
Right. Sugeraddict is at least legal.
Today, I was eating at a restaurant when a man came up to me and said, “You’re pathetic for having lunch with someone that much older than you.” My dad immediately got up and punched the man in the face. My fiancé’s parents had to walk in the door right as it happened. FML
Just hit them hard in the head and they wan´t remember anything…
Today, I realized I’m happier and life is better when my husband isn’t around. He isn’t abusive, just lazy and uninvolved. We have young kids and I don’t know how to leave him. FML
Welcome to the life as married.
Today, my parents told me, after 30 years of marriage, that they are getting a divorce. I went to my boyfriend’s apartment because I needed some comfort. While sobbing to him, he decided to dump me on the spot because my reaction to the news was “immature” and he wants an “adult” relationship. FML
Great. Now you and your mum can go on a double-date.
Today, my son brought his new girlfriend home. I took him aside and hugged him, reassuring him that I loved and accepted him no matter his sexual preference. He looked at me confused and asked what I meant. His girl was obviously trans, but he had no idea. I didn’t know he didn’t know. FML
Don´t worry. He would have noticed later on anyway…
Today, my wife asked me what I wanted for my birthday, and I said sex. She told me to grow up and ask for something more realistic. FML
Ask for some money and you can go out and buy yourself what you are wishing for your birthday.
You still have a second nipple
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. Why? Because I became a vegetarian. Apparently, he doesn’t believe in “not eating meat.” FML
Don´t bother about it. In a crises he would be to no help but rather eat you.