Today, my wife asked me what I wanted for my birthday, and I said sex. She told me to grow up and ask for something more realistic. FML
Ask for some money and you can go out and buy yourself what you are wishing for your birthday.
Today, my mom told me that she had great news: we were going to meet my biological parents. I didn’t know I was adopted. FML
Well, now you know. Surprise.
Today, I was at the Wendy’s drive-through with my four kids in the car. As the worker handed me my food through the window, a man wearing a ski mask ran right between us, snatched the bags of food and took off. They refused to refund me for the food, because they said I staged the whole thing. FML
Well, you probably did. Otherwhise how hard would it be following a runing man with your car?
Today, my lamp wouldn’t turn on. I spent a good 10 minutes looking for a replacement bulb before I thought to check if it was plugged in. It wasn’t. FML
No complaining. Problem solved.
Today, my cat pissed on my bed, so I had to change the sheets. Just as I got out of bed and take my first step, I stepped in my cat’s poop as well and slipped, spraining my ankle. FML
Good thing it wasn´t your poop.
Today, I came outside to leave for work. To my shock and horror my car was gone. My asshole neighbor, who has parked in my spot multiple times decided to let her noisy guests park in my parking spot, so I parked in hers. She had my car towed. FML
Just take the car at your spot.
Today, while arguing with my husband, I asked him what makes him so angry. He threw a spoon at the kitchen floor and yelled, “ I AM NOT ANGRY!!!!” FML
Alright then. No problem.
Today, my boyfriend’s tooth got caught on my nipple ring and ripped it out. FML
You still have a second nipple
Today, I was sitting on my bike texting when someone snatched my phone and ran. Like an idiot, I jumped off my bike and ran after him. He then ran in a big circle, got on my bike and sped off. FML
Just borrow a phone, dial your own number and ask him to give the stuff back.
Today, I realized that because of COVID-19, I can no longer cough to cover my farts at work. FML
Just sing a song instead.