Today, at work, I was waiting in line to pay my food at the cafeteria when I noticed the doctor who was in front of me had these really cool looking shoes on. I told him, “I like your shoes!” He turned over, looked at me and didn’t say anything back. FML
Thats better than if he had said. “Oh great. Wanna fuck?
Today, my boyfriend invited me over for dinner for the first time. The place was full of his ex’s stuff, books on the shelves, makeup in the bathroom, clothes in the closet and even shoes on the floor. Not to mention creepy plush toys staring at me. She left him 8 years ago. FML
Great. Now you don´t have to buy all that stuff when you move in with him…
Today, I found out that people in the apartment to the left, in the one to the right and in the one above mine all tested positive for Covid, a week ago. FML
Just keep a distance of 1,8 m from the walls and the ceiling and you will be safe…
Today, I went over to a guy’s house. He had almost no furniture and slept on a mattress on the floor; however, he had the most impressive gaming computer I’ve ever seen. He’s 40. FML
His gamecharacter probably had the most expensive stash to. Wait. What? Fuck your life? Was it your husband or what..?
Today, my dad told me that I can’t wear leggings on Friday nights, because, “your butt is too distracting for my poker buddies.” FML
Just keep them on and make a deal with him you get half of his winings…
Today, I told my girlfriend that one of my intellectually challenged friends now holds an engineering position at an aircraft company. She wasn’t a fan of flying before, and now refuses to set foot anywhere near any aircraft of any kind. FML
Great. Now you can fly away and get some time for yourself at the holidays.
Today, I smashed my finger with a hammer. A finger on the hand holding the hammer. FML
Just hold the hammer in the handle next time and you will be fine.
Today, my four year-old daughter asked me what the word “necrophilia” means. I have no idea where she even heard that. FML
Don´t worry. It might just have been her new boyfriend mention it when the talked about sexual preferences.
Today, my daughter asked to use my phone to find hers. Instead, she sent multiple messages to my boyfriend, trying to break up with him. When asked why she did it, she said it’s because she wants me to get back with her father. This would be somewhat understandable if she wasn’t 32 years-old. FML
It could have been worse. If she sent the messages because she wanted it to end because she to had a relationship with your boyfriend.
Today my brother walked in on me while I was using his shaver to trim my pubic hair. FML
Great. Now he knows what you need for christmas.