Today, I went to the bathroom at my boyfriend’s house. Right as I sat down and started taking a dump, I looked over at the empty toilet paper roll and remembered his roommate had told us the night before that they were out of toilet paper. FML
Just use your fantasy or your t-shirt.
Today, I missed my bus to school, so I took my bike. The bus that I missed ignored a stop sign on its way back, making me crash into it. FML
Good thing you wasn´t at that bus. Seems to have a bad driver…
Today, my girlfriend, KNOWING I have severe arachnophobia, changed the wallpapers on my phone and tablet to pictures of tarantulas, all because she’s mad at me. And she won’t change it back. FML
That is great therapy for you to get rid of the phobia.
Today, I went in for a routine check up. I also found out I have an incurable STD and that I’m pregnant. I’ve been married to my husband for 7 years and have never had sex with anyone else in my entire life. FML
Congratulations to the pregnancy.
Today, I still have no idea why I got married. All my wife does is drink Coke and watch TV. Perhaps the silver lining is that she’s not doing coke in powder form. FML
Right. Sugeraddict is at least legal.
Today, I was eating at a restaurant when a man came up to me and said, “You’re pathetic for having lunch with someone that much older than you.” My dad immediately got up and punched the man in the face. My fiancé’s parents had to walk in the door right as it happened. FML
Just hit them hard in the head and they wan´t remember anything…
Today, I realized I’m happier and life is better when my husband isn’t around. He isn’t abusive, just lazy and uninvolved. We have young kids and I don’t know how to leave him. FML
Welcome to the life as married.
Today, I had to call a locksmith because I got locked out of my apartment. It cost a total of $350 to break in and repair the lock. Not even 3 hours later, I dropped my only key in the sewer. FML
Maybe you could ask the locksmith for a quantity discount.
Today, my parents told me, after 30 years of marriage, that they are getting a divorce. I went to my boyfriend’s apartment because I needed some comfort. While sobbing to him, he decided to dump me on the spot because my reaction to the news was “immature” and he wants an “adult” relationship. FML
Great. Now you and your mum can go on a double-date.
Today, I received my new e-bike. I could barely afford it but I desperately needed a method of transportation. On my second ride, I splashed through a fresh sidewalk. There was sidewalk in the chain, in the brakes, everywhere. There goes my brand new bike. FML
Ok, but your first ride was good, right?