when life sucks… You can always see it from the bright side

Today, we were at church when I pulled my toddler’s hand out of his pants and he screamed “I WAS MAKING MY PENIS BIG!” I need a new church. FML

Yes you do.

Today, my boyfriend told me, while cuddling, that I am “just not sexy”. I try to seduce him regularly, but he always turns me down. But I should feel flattered: it proves how much he loves me, since he stays with me anyway. FML

Right. Or he could not get a sexy girlfriend.

Today, I found out why my professor accused me of not handing in an important essay before the due date. Apparently she spilled coffee all over it and didn’t dare to tell me. FML

Well now you know.

Today, my breakfast disagreed with me and I shit myself unexpectedly at the laundromat, right after starting the washer with all of my other pants in it. FML

Just put a sign “closed” at the door. Try to lock the door, cover the windows and take a nap in an well hidden place.

Today, I finally got home after not seeing my husband for a few months because of work. He grew an enormous ginger moustache like Yosemite Sam. After months apart, we are now arguing because he refuses to shave and I refuse to kiss him until he does. FML

What about sexual intercource?

Today, my sister couldn’t find the spare key I gave her for my apartment, so I had to pay a $50 fee to the leasing office. Not 30 minutes after paying, she found the key. In her purse. On her keychain. FML

Great. Now you know where it is til next time.

Today, as a male in his 40s, I went to “mixed” aerobics. I arrived late to find the entire female class had started intensely warming up. Within 5 minutes I pulled a calf muscle and left limping pathetically past a martial arts class. FML

You are the brave guy, following your desire. (Or were you just out for the asses?) Well a bit goosy though. Sorry.

Today, while discussing my family on a date, I mentioned that my parents are divorced. She immediately got up and left without a word. FML

Good to get that opinion cleared out early in your relationship.

Today, a kid pulled down my shorts while I was ordering at McDonald’s. In my haste to pull them back up, I hit my head on the counter and was knocked out cold. I woke up on the floor, my shorts still around my knees, in a puddle of my own urine. I had peed myself while unconscious. FML

If you have an insurance, it might cover some of this. Oh, yes you need to tell them exactly what happened…

Today, I automated a task at work and a day-long procedure ran in a few hours. My boss was completely unimpressed because “I’m not paid to automate stuff, I’m paid to work”. FML

Just not tell him, and you can watch funny things on the internet, while your automation-process do the work.