Today, my girlfriend really needed to take a pee while we were fishing in my boat. Rather than go to shore, she decided to she could just go into a Snapple bottle. I watched as all her pee went straight onto the floor of my boat, soon realizing she had never even taken the bottle’s cap off. FML
Sorry to tell you. The worst thing is not that you have pee in your boat, but that you have a stupid girlfriend.
Today, at work, I bumped into what looked like a small child and said, “sorry, little man”. Turns out he actually was a “little person”. FML
You said exactly right. Little. man.
Today, I determined that the only reason I still have a membership to my gym is that the special gummy bears they have in the vending machines are amazing. FML
That´s still cheaper then the food she usually gives her.
Today, I have a better relationship with the machinery I’ve given names to at work than my actual coworkers. FML
They will soon be replaced by robots anyway.
Today, I was listening to music on my phone. I activated Siri by mistake, which stopped the music. I told Siri to, “turn the damn music back on.” She replied, “Now calling Afton.” Afton is my ex. While trying to quickly end the call, my phone froze and the buttons stopped working. FML
I´m sure you had something to say to Afton.
So did the former Swedish prime minister (Ingvar Carlsson) so don´t worry.
Today, while suffering from a serious migraine. I have to cook dinner and listen to the singing of two very tone deaf individuals. I’m starting to contemplate sticking forks in my ears. FML
Just go to bed and see what happens.
Today, I went on a blind date. The first words that came out of his mouth were, “Rape isn’t bad if you think about it.” FML
Honesty is one of the qualities most people apreciate in a relationship.
Today, a woman was standing in front of me in line. There was a strand of hair on her back, so to be nice, I pulled it off her. It was still attached to her head. FML
Oh, that´s nothing. Today when standing in a line someone ripped a hair out of my head. Hurts like hell…