Yea, I could also pay to get some time for myself…
Today, my dad walked in on me jerking off. It wouldn’t have been so bad if I wasn’t Skyping my boyfriend, while both of us were totally naked. I had just told him to “put those toes in your mouth and I’ll cum like you’ve never seen before”. FML
Neither have your dad.
Today, my dog became too old to eat dry food. A $9 bag used to last him 3 weeks. The equivalent in the cheapest canned food is $63. FML
Well, if your dog had a “little accident” your expenses for dogfood should be just about zero.
Today, I told my roommate that I was an atheist and she laughed. I left and returned to find her and her prayer group praying for my soul. She told me to accept Jesus Christ as my lord and savior. I said no. Then she told me to find somewhere else to live. FML
See, accepting Jesus Christ as your lord and savior could have helped you out a lot there.
Today, I had my first glass of red wine after months of pregnancy and giving birth. Just as I sat down and started to relax, I spilled it all over myself and my in-law’s couch. FML
All good. It´s not good to drink so much while breastfeeding either so good thing you didn´t swallowed all that wine.
Today, while in the hospital recovering from surgery, I got into a fight with my wife. Apparently, she feels that I shouldn’t have gone to the hospital because “Funerals cost less than surgery.” She brought an extremely detailed spreadsheet to prove it. FML
Well. I guess she is right. Especially when you will definitely need a funeral later on, even if you take the surgery.
Today, my wife screamed to stop the car in an intersection, so I slammed on the brakes. From the left, an SUV rammed full force into us. My wife is unharmed, but I now have a broken left arm and our car is totaled. On the bright side, she caught the Pokémon in the road. FML
Might have been a very rare one.
Today, I went on a first date with a guy. As soon as we sat down at the restaurant, he immediately snatched my menu and said “You’re having salad.” FML
Well, two good things, you don´t have to think more about that, and you will get a heathy meal…
Today, I woke up and realized I didn’t start a fire last night. I live in Alaska and our winter nights can reach -30 below zero. My fish are dead, my plasma television won’t turn on, and the cat has frostbite. FML
At least you are alive. Your fishes are not.