Today, I told my roommate that I was an atheist and she laughed. I left and returned to find her and her prayer group praying for my soul. She told me to accept Jesus Christ as my lord and savior. I said no. Then she told me to find somewhere else to live. FML
See, accepting Jesus Christ as your lord and savior could have helped you out a lot there.
Today, I had my first glass of red wine after months of pregnancy and giving birth. Just as I sat down and started to relax, I spilled it all over myself and my in-law’s couch. FML
All good. It´s not good to drink so much while breastfeeding either so good thing you didn´t swallowed all that wine.
Today, while in the hospital recovering from surgery, I got into a fight with my wife. Apparently, she feels that I shouldn’t have gone to the hospital because “Funerals cost less than surgery.” She brought an extremely detailed spreadsheet to prove it. FML
Well. I guess she is right. Especially when you will definitely need a funeral later on, even if you take the surgery.
Today, my wife screamed to stop the car in an intersection, so I slammed on the brakes. From the left, an SUV rammed full force into us. My wife is unharmed, but I now have a broken left arm and our car is totaled. On the bright side, she caught the Pokémon in the road. FML
Might have been a very rare one.
Today, I went on a first date with a guy. As soon as we sat down at the restaurant, he immediately snatched my menu and said “You’re having salad.” FML
Well, two good things, you don´t have to think more about that, and you will get a heathy meal…
Today, I woke up and realized I didn’t start a fire last night. I live in Alaska and our winter nights can reach -30 below zero. My fish are dead, my plasma television won’t turn on, and the cat has frostbite. FML
At least you are alive. Your fishes are not.
Today, I egged my cheating ex’s car. Actually, I should clarify; I egged my cheating ex’s sister’s car, thinking it was his. She gave me a black eye and knocked out two of my teeth while my ex laughed his ass off. FML
At least you didn´t got your car egged by no reason.
Today, I received the Christmas gift I bought for my sister in the mail. I also received a nearly $200 bill for shipping fees, taxes, etc. for a $50 blanket from Canada. FML
She should be happy after you spent so much money at her gift.
Today, my boss left early, so I decided to take an extended break and run home. I found my wife in bed with my boss. I got fired for leaving work. FML
Well, if you forgive your wife you still might have your family.
Today, in gym class, we were doing leg exercises. Unsure how to do it, I somehow managed to kick the wall, lose my balance, faceplant, and break my ankle. FML
Well, you didn´t break your legs so you could still try that leg exercise.