when life sucks… You can always see it from the bright side

Today, while discussing my family on a date, I mentioned that my parents are divorced. She immediately got up and left without a word. FML

Good to get that opinion cleared out early in your relationship.

Today, a kid pulled down my shorts while I was ordering at McDonald’s. In my haste to pull them back up, I hit my head on the counter and was knocked out cold. I woke up on the floor, my shorts still around my knees, in a puddle of my own urine. I had peed myself while unconscious. FML

If you have an insurance, it might cover some of this. Oh, yes you need to tell them exactly what happened…

Today, I automated a task at work and a day-long procedure ran in a few hours. My boss was completely unimpressed because “I’m not paid to automate stuff, I’m paid to work”. FML

Just not tell him, and you can watch funny things on the internet, while your automation-process do the work.

Today, my boss told me to sort and file all the paperwork he’d been randomly shoving into boxes since 2010. Apparently we’re being audited, so he expects me to do eight years of filing in two weeks. There’s enough paper to fully stock a large public library. Two weeks my ass. FML

Just buy a lottery-ticket and if you win you can tell your boss to do the work himself.

Today, I got slapped by a woman standing in front of me in line after a little kid grabbed her butt. FML

Just do the same to a girl another time and blame the kid.

Today, I accidentally sent a dick pic to my coach instead of my girlfriend. He sent one back. FML

Well, just send it to your whole contactlist. You might get some more.

Today, while playing on stage, the singer of my band swung his microphone around, straight into my face. I now have stitches above my right eye, and a job interview in three days. FML

You are a bad ass musician.

Today, I tried to remove my contact lens, but it wouldn’t budge. Turns out I was pulling on my cornea. I now have a pool of blood in my eye. FML

Thats why we have two eyes.

Today, picking up my children from school, I overheard some kids saying what a rotten person their dad was, and how they hated him. It was my kids talking to their friends about me! Why? Because I didn’t buy them a bag of jelly beans the day before. FML

Now you know how to be the best dad ever.

Today, it’s my 18th birthday. As I moved out of home to study, and currently spend 95% of my wage on rent, I asked my mother for any amount of money as my gift. I desperately need new shoes and underwear, and haven’t eaten for two days. Instead, I got a pair of earrings. FML

At least you will look good when you starve to death. (DonĀ“t bother about the smell from the underwear. You want smell that good anyway.)