when life sucks… You can always see it from the bright side

Today, I started my new job as a UPS delivery guy. I successfully delivered only 3 out of the 25 packages: One to my ex and his new boyfriend, one to an elderly lady who pissed herself because I “rang the bell too loud” and one to a little girl who screamed, “Stranger danger!” FML

Oh, well you could probably get of your shift early.

Today, I decided to eat healthier. I started with making 2 eggs and burning down whole kitchen. FML

Well, don´t worry. Periodic fast is healthy too.

Today, my boyfriend of 7 years and I broke up right before my sister’s wedding, because he didn’t want to be there when we found out he gave the both of us an STD. FML

Just wait a couple of days and he will probably be willing to get back to you…

Today, I woke up to my living room covered in 8 cm of water. My $2k computer was on that floor. FML

Oh, that´s nothing against the cost of fixing the house.

Today, I told my dad I had depression. He responded with, “Why do all gay people have depression?” I’m not gay. FML

So, why are you depressed?

Today, I woke up extremely hung over on a friend’s couch after a night of heavy drinking and partying. To my horror, I discovered that, in my drunken state, I’d allowed said friend’s six-year-old daughter to trim my hair. I now have a bowl cut. FML

But all your pubic-hair is still left, right?

Today, I woke up to 7 texts about the data overage charges that were accrued last night while I slept. Apparently my phone used nearly 8 GB of data, with no apps open, while I was sound asleep, leaving me with a $63 fee. FML

Just turn of that feature to automatic download movies when recieving a SMS.

Today, my 80lb black lab decided that the moment I start doing pushups is her cue to mount me. FML

Well, you are doing pushups quit often those days, so just admit you like it.

Today, I had my first astounding orgasm during which I simultaneously shit myself and vomited. So thankful my new partner was present. FML

Great. Next time you might ejaculate as well.

Today, whilst at work, I had a woman come in with a problem with the seat in her car not moving backwards or forwards. There was a dildo stuck in the chair rail. FML

Are you sure it was a Dildo. Otherwhise much worse for the guy to whom that penis belonged.