fml.nu

when life sucks… You can always see it from the bright side

Today, is my first day as an expat. Hoping to arrive early for work, I hailed a cab. The driver took it upon himself to take the scenic route and play tour guide, no matter how much I refuse. Not only I was late, he turned violent when I refused to pay over $100 of fare, plus a “talent fee”. FML

Just tell your boss a few interesting facts you learnt about the neighbourhood it will be all good.

Today I spent an hour getting ready for my first date of the year, only to wait 30 min in the cold and then walking back home by myself. Why didn’t he show up? On his way to the date he got invited for a threesome and decided to do that instead. FML

Well. it isn´t easy to compete with two others…

Today, my husband is pissed off, withholding affection, and not speaking to me. Why? I don’t want to have sex with random men while he watches. FML

You better suggest he should have sex with random girls while you watches… Wait… no Don´t.

Today, my boyfriend not only completely forgot my birthday but left me home alone with a busted shoulder in a sling to go trip on acid with his friends. I can’t move from this chair… FML

Acid is not good for you anyway. You should be glad you didn´t joined him.

Today my boyfriend’s mom fed me a new dish containing peanuts knowing full well I’m severely allergic. According to her, her ancestors “cured” allergies by exposing the person to the allergen. I went into anaphylactic shock. FML

Yea, it might take a couple of exposures though…

Today, I organized a party at my place, invited 20 people, bought snacks and cancelled my workout. Nobody showed up. I ended up eating a whole ciabatta alone. FML

To bad you canceled your workout. You should have just moved it. You are gonna need it.

Today I decided to shave my back with clippers by myself and of course there are little cut marks all over my back…my girl saw them and accused me of cheating and left me. FML

No problem, with a newly shaved back you will be hot in the singles market.

Today, the first day of school, I went to the book store to purchase my textbooks. Not only did I wait for 30 minutes, but they didn’t even have my books in stock. I was advised to visit another campus 45 minutes away. They didn’t have it either. I have assignments due already. FML

Don´t worry you can buy a used one when the semester is over.

Today, I had to help train a new employee at the register. It got busy so I had to take my eyes off her for a few minutes. At that time she managed to let someone walk out with $150 worth of fabric. I couldn’t catch the customer. FML

Don´t worry. Now you have one happy customer.

Today, I met my daughter’s first serious boyfriend, only she forgot to mention he has hypermobility. All I did was shaking his hand normally, but it still dislocated three of his knuckles. My daughter made me call his mother to explain what I did. FML

Good thing you didn´t gave hime a big bears hug.