Today, I went to the salon to get my extremely curly hair cut for the first time in years. Apparently, “just trim the dead ends” and “give me an afro” mean the same thing to a barber. FML
Well, now you have an afro.
Today, my mother started fostering a child to make some money. I wouldn’t have a problem with this if she didn’t make me babysit the kid and take him to and from school every day because she’s “too busy”. I work full-time and she’s unemployed. FML
If you are going out you could as well take the kid to school.
Today, we had a test in history. My best friend, who was sitting right behind me, had forgotten about it and put his finger in his throat to vomit. It sprayed all over his desk, his pants, and the entirety of my back. FML
That gives you a perfectly fine excuse not to do the test
Today, I went and had my first ultrasound done. My husband said he had a meeting at work, and couldn’t come. As I was leaving, I saw him at the doctor’s office with another heavily pregnant woman. FML
Maybee he just got an extra work as a doula…
Today, I told my dad I started taking jiu-jitsu lessons. He responded by laughing and saying, “Martial arts are for pussies, you should just get a gun.” FML
Well, just kick him in the groin.
Today, while on vacation with my boyfriend, I decided it would be a good time to try getting intimate with him for the first time. It turns out his penis is so small that I get more enjoyment from a tampon applicator. We’re stuck in this cabin for another 5 days. FML
Well, there must be something else he could use.
Today, I accompanied a friend to the hospital to visit the guy I like, who was just out of surgery and still high. When he asked who we were, my friend immediately said that I was his wife. He then started bawling, saying, “Oh God! No! What did I do to deserve this?!?” FML
Just put him back to sleep and you can make a better first impression next time.
Yea, I could also pay to get some time for myself…
Today, my dad walked in on me jerking off. It wouldn’t have been so bad if I wasn’t Skyping my boyfriend, while both of us were totally naked. I had just told him to “put those toes in your mouth and I’ll cum like you’ve never seen before”. FML
Neither have your dad.
Today, my dog became too old to eat dry food. A $9 bag used to last him 3 weeks. The equivalent in the cheapest canned food is $63. FML
Well, if your dog had a “little accident” your expenses for dogfood should be just about zero.