Today, I started my new job as a UPS delivery guy. I successfully delivered only 3 out of the 25 packages: One to my ex and his new boyfriend, one to an elderly lady who pissed herself because I “rang the bell too loud” and one to a little girl who screamed, “Stranger danger!” FML
Oh, well you could probably get of your shift early.
Well, don´t worry. Periodic fast is healthy too.
Today, my boyfriend of 7 years and I broke up right before my sister’s wedding, because he didn’t want to be there when we found out he gave the both of us an STD. FML
Just wait a couple of days and he will probably be willing to get back to you…
Oh, that´s nothing against the cost of fixing the house.
Today, I told my dad I had depression. He responded with, “Why do all gay people have depression?” I’m not gay. FML
So, why are you depressed?
Today, I woke up extremely hung over on a friend’s couch after a night of heavy drinking and partying. To my horror, I discovered that, in my drunken state, I’d allowed said friend’s six-year-old daughter to trim my hair. I now have a bowl cut. FML
But all your pubic-hair is still left, right?
Today, I woke up to 7 texts about the data overage charges that were accrued last night while I slept. Apparently my phone used nearly 8 GB of data, with no apps open, while I was sound asleep, leaving me with a $63 fee. FML
Just turn of that feature to automatic download movies when recieving a SMS.
Well, you are doing pushups quit often those days, so just admit you like it.
Today, I had my first astounding orgasm during which I simultaneously shit myself and vomited. So thankful my new partner was present. FML
Great. Next time you might ejaculate as well.
Today, whilst at work, I had a woman come in with a problem with the seat in her car not moving backwards or forwards. There was a dildo stuck in the chair rail. FML
Are you sure it was a Dildo. Otherwhise much worse for the guy to whom that penis belonged.