Today, I asked my boyfriend of 7 months to come over on Valentine’s Day so I can cook dinner for him. He asked if he could invite his wife over as well. Guess who’s newly single right before Valentine’s Day! FML
Hmm… His wife?
Today, I woke up feeling ill. My mom sent me to school anyway, and grounded me for “lying” about being sick. As soon as I got to school, I began vomiting blood. FML
Great. There you showed her.
Today, accustomed to dealing with my old car’s faulty accelerator, I pressed the pedal way too hard in my new car and crashed into a pillar, totaling the engine and giving myself a concussion. I could still see the dealership down the street. FML
Just go back and tell them you are not buying that car that you took for a testdrive.
Today, my girlfriend told me that I have “too much foreskin” and that I’d need to get circumcised if we were going to stay together. I’m already circumcised. FML
Just take all of the skin at the thing off. Or wait…
Today, the first guy I tried to have sex with at university got his foreskin stuck in his zip and had to go to hospital for stitches. He told all his friends I did it on purpose with my teeth during a blowjob. I now have a reputation, so I guess I’m staying single for the next 3 years. FML
Great. Now you can focus on your studies.
Today, I went to the salon to get my extremely curly hair cut for the first time in years. Apparently, “just trim the dead ends” and “give me an afro” mean the same thing to a barber. FML
Well, now you have an afro.
Today, my mother started fostering a child to make some money. I wouldn’t have a problem with this if she didn’t make me babysit the kid and take him to and from school every day because she’s “too busy”. I work full-time and she’s unemployed. FML
If you are going out you could as well take the kid to school.
Today, we had a test in history. My best friend, who was sitting right behind me, had forgotten about it and put his finger in his throat to vomit. It sprayed all over his desk, his pants, and the entirety of my back. FML
That gives you a perfectly fine excuse not to do the test
Today, I went and had my first ultrasound done. My husband said he had a meeting at work, and couldn’t come. As I was leaving, I saw him at the doctor’s office with another heavily pregnant woman. FML
Maybee he just got an extra work as a doula…