fml.nu

when life sucks… You can always see it from the bright side

Today I was at work, went to have a smoke in the designated area and didn’t realise until it was too late that my stomach flu wanted to have a go on the toilet. I stood pacing around and then once it was too late I realised, it wasn’t a fart… FML

Well, there might be a couple of jokes that the designated smoke area is not a toilet but it will be over in a couple of years or so…

Today, is my first day as an expat. Hoping to arrive early for work, I hailed a cab. The driver took it upon himself to take the scenic route and play tour guide, no matter how much I refuse. Not only I was late, he turned violent when I refused to pay over $100 of fare, plus a “talent fee”. FML

Just tell your boss a few interesting facts you learnt about the neighbourhood it will be all good.

Today, I had to help train a new employee at the register. It got busy so I had to take my eyes off her for a few minutes. At that time she managed to let someone walk out with $150 worth of fabric. I couldn’t catch the customer. FML

Don´t worry. Now you have one happy customer.

Today, I automated a task at work and a day-long procedure ran in a few hours. My boss was completely unimpressed because “I’m not paid to automate stuff, I’m paid to work”. FML

Just not tell him, and you can watch funny things on the internet, while your automation-process do the work.

Today, my boss told me to sort and file all the paperwork he’d been randomly shoving into boxes since 2010. Apparently we’re being audited, so he expects me to do eight years of filing in two weeks. There’s enough paper to fully stock a large public library. Two weeks my ass. FML

Just buy a lottery-ticket and if you win you can tell your boss to do the work himself.

Today, my boss left early, so I decided to take an extended break and run home. I found my wife in bed with my boss. I got fired for leaving work. FML

Well, if you forgive your wife you still might have your family.

Today, I woke up with a massive hangover after passing out at a wild party the night before. Apparently my friends couldn’t find a marker, because I woke up with dozens of dicks drawn on my body and face in henna. I have a job interview today. FML

Just go to the interview with a burka.

Today, my boss installed a comment box for anonymous suggestions on how to improve the workplace. So far, I’ve received 5 notes from my employees requesting that I be fired or replaced by a hotter woman as it’s the best way to improve the company. FML

Great. So the business is going on just fine.

Today, I started my new job as a UPS delivery guy. I successfully delivered only 3 out of the 25 packages: One to my ex and his new boyfriend, one to an elderly lady who pissed herself because I “rang the bell too loud” and one to a little girl who screamed, “Stranger danger!” FML

Oh, well you could probably get of your shift early.

Today, while going into the fire station for a call out, I opened my locker door on our only available driver and knocked him out. FML

Don´t worry, it should be quit a few knowing first aid around.