Today, I woke up with a massive hangover after passing out at a wild party the night before. Apparently my friends couldn’t find a marker, because I woke up with dozens of dicks drawn on my body and face in henna. I have a job interview today. FML
Just go to the interview with a burka.
Today, my boss installed a comment box for anonymous suggestions on how to improve the workplace. So far, I’ve received 5 notes from my employees requesting that I be fired or replaced by a hotter woman as it’s the best way to improve the company. FML
Great. So the business is going on just fine.
Today, I started my new job as a UPS delivery guy. I successfully delivered only 3 out of the 25 packages: One to my ex and his new boyfriend, one to an elderly lady who pissed herself because I “rang the bell too loud” and one to a little girl who screamed, “Stranger danger!” FML
Oh, well you could probably get of your shift early.
Today, while going into the fire station for a call out, I opened my locker door on our only available driver and knocked him out. FML
Don´t worry, it should be quit a few knowing first aid around.
Today, while crossing the street, I was honked at by a stopped car. I responded with the following: a finger and a “Fuck you!” It was my boss who just wanted to say hi. FML
He said hi, and so did you. In your way.
Don´t worry. Constipation will probably be one of the conditions under the law of discrimination in the future.
Today, I got a phone call from my boss, who’d hired me after two months of waiting and begging for this position. A week into the job, the company is closing our store. FML
Now you can go back doing whatever you did before.
Today, I received a company-wide email from my boss, praising a coworker’s extra effort at improving our line of business. The coworker’s efforts were a direct copy-and-paste of a plan I put together three months ago. No one cared when I gave the presentation. FML
It is all about timing you know.
Today, my first client as a freelancer screamed at me and threw a notebook at my head. I quit my job to become a freelancer because my boss would often scream and throw things at me. FML
You had only one boss, but will have plenty of clients. Sorry that´s not very elevating
Today, I have a better relationship with the machinery I’ve given names to at work than my actual coworkers. FML
They will soon be replaced by robots anyway.