Today, after 4 years of trying to help my husband with his gambling and drug addictions I was dumped for a homeless, drug addict with outstanding criminal warrants…and they are living in one of my cars. FML
Now you have one problem less.
Today, as I was sitting on a bench thinking about an upcoming test, some hysterical bystanding woman slapped me out of nowhere because she thought I was staring at her ass. I was blank staring. FML
You better take a good look at her ass when she walks away now that you have got the punishment for it.
Today I was to start a new job after a long search. To celebrate, I ate a spicy bowl of noodles from I shop near to my house. This morning I ignored the urge to poop and drove to work. When I got there, I got out of the car and immediately crapped myself. Diarrhea. Fired. FML
Go to the noodle-shop and tell the manager what happened and there might be an opening for you there.
Today, my husband told me that, to feel less unreliable, he was just going to stop saying he was going to do anything around the house. That way, when he actually did something (i.e. wash dishes), I could be pleasantly surprised. FML
Well, it is actually hard to argue against…
Today, is my first day as an expat. Hoping to arrive early for work, I hailed a cab. The driver took it upon himself to take the scenic route and play tour guide, no matter how much I refuse. Not only I was late, he turned violent when I refused to pay over $100 of fare, plus a “talent fee”. FML
Just tell your boss a few interesting facts you learnt about the neighbourhood it will be all good.
Today I spent an hour getting ready for my first date of the year, only to wait 30 min in the cold and then walking back home by myself. Why didn’t he show up? On his way to the date he got invited for a threesome and decided to do that instead. FML
Well. it isn´t easy to compete with two others…
Today, my husband is pissed off, withholding affection, and not speaking to me. Why? I don’t want to have sex with random men while he watches. FML
You better suggest he should have sex with random girls while you watches… Wait… no Don´t.
Today, my car broke down. The good news is I can afford to have it fixed. The bad news is paying for the fix will wipe out my savings, which I need to get certified for a non-minimum-wage job. FML
Today, I got my own row on an almost full transatlantic flight. All it took was having food poisoning two hours into the flight. FML