fml.nu

when life sucks… You can always see it from the bright side

Still you got a blowjob, and it wasn´t a plastic bag.

Today, my girlfriend made me put a blanket over my head while giving me a blowjob because she didn’t like the faces I was making. FML

That´s how it works in a relationship

Today, I was talking to an old man I met at a store. He just wanted to know a few things, and he asked about my day. I explained a few bad things that’d happened, then I thanked him for listening. He then asked, “So, how are we gonna do this?” He thought we were gonna fuck. FML

Next time, just play dead

Today, I found out that the reason why my boyfriend has been denying me sex isn’t because he is scared of someone walking in on us. It’s because his blow-up doll pleasures him more than I do. FML

At the ten year anniversary it might be with a foreplay

Today, my boyfriend and I celebrated our 5 year anniversary. All I got was him stopping by for a quickie before he went into work. FML

Great, you wan´t get blamed for this one

Today, I got a text from my neighbor complaining about my girlfriend and me being too noisy in bed. I’m at work. FML

It wouldn´t be any better if you had said yes and he had the same response

Today, my new doctor asked if I’m sexually active. I said no. He nodded and murmured “No surprise there.” Thanks, mate. FML

At least they didn´t asked you to join

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend having sex with another woman. They told me to leave so they could finish, and that “we’ll all talk this over later.” FML

The two of you still know it was him. But the visitors don´t

Today, my boyfriend let out a horrible fart in the middle of sex. Even though it was clearly his, he gave me disgusted look, called me a dirty bitch, then kept going. Let’s just say I didn’t finish. FML

Don´t worry he was just coming in. Not coming.

Today, I orgasmed in front of someone for the first time. Too bad it was my dad who didn’t knock before coming in. FML

Great. Then you could break up with him at the same time.

Today, I had to arrest my own boyfriend for public sex. FML