fml.nu

when life sucks… You can always see it from the bright side

At least you got a blowjob

Today, my girlfriend gave me my first ever blowjob and she surprised me by deciding to swallow. Or so I thought. When she came up to kiss me, she spat my man-milk into my mouth and almost pissed herself laughing when I freaked out and nearly threw up. FML

Congratulations. You can call him Jesus

Today, my mother got heartburn. She claimed she only gets heartburn when she is near a pregnant woman. She threatened to kick me out of the house if I didn’t take a pregnancy test, despite there being no way I was pregnant. Turns out, I am pregnant, and my mother’s ego has never been bigger. FML

Maybee she talked about something completely different

Today, my coworker decided to give me “the talk”. I’m 21 and not a virgin, yet most of what she said was new to me. FML

Still you got a blowjob, and it wasn´t a plastic bag.

Today, my girlfriend made me put a blanket over my head while giving me a blowjob because she didn’t like the faces I was making. FML

That´s how it works in a relationship

Today, I was talking to an old man I met at a store. He just wanted to know a few things, and he asked about my day. I explained a few bad things that’d happened, then I thanked him for listening. He then asked, “So, how are we gonna do this?” He thought we were gonna fuck. FML

Next time, just play dead

Today, I found out that the reason why my boyfriend has been denying me sex isn’t because he is scared of someone walking in on us. It’s because his blow-up doll pleasures him more than I do. FML

At the ten year anniversary it might be with a foreplay

Today, my boyfriend and I celebrated our 5 year anniversary. All I got was him stopping by for a quickie before he went into work. FML

Great, you wan´t get blamed for this one

Today, I got a text from my neighbor complaining about my girlfriend and me being too noisy in bed. I’m at work. FML

It wouldn´t be any better if you had said yes and he had the same response

Today, my new doctor asked if I’m sexually active. I said no. He nodded and murmured “No surprise there.” Thanks, mate. FML

At least they didn´t asked you to join

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend having sex with another woman. They told me to leave so they could finish, and that “we’ll all talk this over later.” FML