fml.nu

when life sucks… You can always see it from the bright side

Today, my girlfriend told me that I have “too much foreskin” and that I’d need to get circumcised if we were going to stay together. I’m already circumcised. FML

Just take all of the skin at the thing off. Or wait…

Today, the first guy I tried to have sex with at university got his foreskin stuck in his zip and had to go to hospital for stitches. He told all his friends I did it on purpose with my teeth during a blowjob. I now have a reputation, so I guess I’m staying single for the next 3 years. FML

Great. Now you can focus on your studies.

Today, while on vacation with my boyfriend, I decided it would be a good time to try getting intimate with him for the first time. It turns out his penis is so small that I get more enjoyment from a tampon applicator. We’re stuck in this cabin for another 5 days. FML

Well, there must be something else he could use.

Today, my 80lb black lab decided that the moment I start doing pushups is her cue to mount me. FML

Well, you are doing pushups quit often those days, so just admit you like it.

Today, I had my first astounding orgasm during which I simultaneously shit myself and vomited. So thankful my new partner was present. FML

Great. Next time you might ejaculate as well.

Today, whilst at work, I had a woman come in with a problem with the seat in her car not moving backwards or forwards. There was a dildo stuck in the chair rail. FML

Are you sure it was a Dildo. Otherwhise much worse for the guy to whom that penis belonged.

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend who is a VERY loud moaner. He kept saying my name over and over again then all of a sudden his mom comes in and says “yes hun…oh God sorry”…that’s how I found out I have the same name as my boyfriend’s mom. FML

That´s an embarrassing story, but there is at least two other people in this story that should be more embarrased then you…

Today, my boss called me into his office to show me the web site of a potential business partner. When he began to type ‘virginia’ into google, it auto-completed his search with his recent search for ‘virgin boy assholes’. I have to go on business trip with him tomorrow. I’m a young guy. FML

Just get rid of your ass virginity before tomorrow and he might not be interested.

Today, I was walking down my road in the hill-country of Texas, when I spotted something shiny buried in the dirt. Thinking it could be something interesting, I picked it up, and, after turning it over numerous times in my hand, realized that it was, in fact, an old silver bullet vibrator. FML

Could have been worse. It could have been an butt-plug…

Today, my wife and I drove to the other side of the country to attend a swinger party where we thought no one knew us. So did my parents. FML

Next time you don´t need to drive so long to find another swinger-couple. Just go to your parents house.