Today, the first guy I tried to have sex with at university got his foreskin stuck in his zip and had to go to hospital for stitches. He told all his friends I did it on purpose with my teeth during a blowjob. I now have a reputation, so I guess I’m staying single for the next 3 years. FML
Great. Now you can focus on your studies.
Today, we had a test in history. My best friend, who was sitting right behind me, had forgotten about it and put his finger in his throat to vomit. It sprayed all over his desk, his pants, and the entirety of my back. FML
That gives you a perfectly fine excuse not to do the test
Today, I learned that the new granite countertop in my parents’ house cost $12,000. Coincidentally, this is also the amount of money I would have needed to go to the college of my dreams instead of the cheaper school I currently attend. FML
That is priorities my friend. A collage education will be over in 4 years. A roof top will last much longer.
Today, I was looking through my university email searching for a specific message. That’s when I found an email from back in January saying I won the giveaway the school’s gym held for a GoPro. It’s now May. FML
Today, I met my teacher after school to talk about a paper on which he gave me a low grade. I told him that I felt it was wrongly graded and he agreed. He lowered my score. FML
Just go talk to him again. He can´t make it much lower.
Today, I can remember dozens of serial killers, their victims, the way they killed, the length of their prison sentences, and anything else about them, but nothing related to my upcoming science test. FML
Just take a course in criminology instead.
Today, I received the honorary title of “student of the month,” because I’m the only quiet kid during class. Truth is, I just have no friends. I was given an award for being socially awkward. FML
Today, I found out all six classes I’m taking have finals on the same day. This is my first semester in college. FML
Today, for the first time this semester, I was able to get parking in time for my Wednesday class. The professor was sick and class was cancelled. FML
Today, I finally found my watch after weeks searching for it. It was on my teacher’s wrist. FML