Today, I told my dad I started taking jiu-jitsu lessons. He responded by laughing and saying, “Martial arts are for pussies, you should just get a gun.” FML
Well, just kick him in the groin.
Today, I got into a minor car accident. No one got hurt, but the person that hit me was my father. Everyone thought he died 8 years ago. FML
Good thing he didn´t died in that accident. That would have been confusing to figure out if he died in the accident or if he actually already was dead, driving around in this car.
Today, while picking up my 14-year-old sister, a friend of hers ask if I was her mother. I’m only 17. FML
Don´t worry. They probably thought your sister looked like 2 years old and you became a mother at 15.
Today, my wife is threatening divorce because I won’t hire her son, my stepson, at the company I work at. Even the lowest position at my company requires a degree in computing, and prior experience. My stepson dropped out of high school to “discover himself” 12 years ago. FML
Well, a wife with that kind of demands is not much to have so you might just aply for the divorce first.
Today, while suffering from a serious migraine. I have to cook dinner and listen to the singing of two very tone deaf individuals. I’m starting to contemplate sticking forks in my ears. FML
Just go to bed and see what happens.
Today, I locked myself out of my apartment. I’ve just realized that I could have spent $30 on an Uber or Lyft to my parents’ place to grab the other set of keys instead of calling a locksmith and paying $280 for him to drill a hole through my doorknob, rendering all my keys useless. FML
Or invite your parents to lunch at a nearby place for $18, and by the way ask them to bring that extra key.
Today, my mom received a condolence card from my high school’s alumni association for my recent passing. I’m still alive! FML
Stop complaining. What about your mum? Or if the card where true!
Today, my wife and I drove to the other side of the country to attend a swinger party where we thought no one knew us. So did my parents. FML
Next time you don´t need to drive so long to find another swinger-couple. Just go to your parents house.
Today, my mother excitedly jumped up and down, announcing that one of her sweet younger coworkers got engaged. I wished she’d had the same reaction to my engagement when I announced it to her a few days earlier. FML
Maybee she had thought the coworker was gay
Today, I was talking to my mum about how I’d quite like to have kids someday. She responded: “Well, nowadays they let singles adopt as well, don’t they?” FML