fml.nu

when life sucks… You can always see it from the bright side

Today, my wife screamed to stop the car in an intersection, so I slammed on the brakes. From the left, an SUV rammed full force into us. My wife is unharmed, but I now have a broken left arm and our car is totaled. On the bright side, she caught the Pokémon in the road. FML

Might have been a very rare one.

Today, I went on a first date with a guy. As soon as we sat down at the restaurant, he immediately snatched my menu and said “You’re having salad.” FML

Well, two good things, you don´t have to think more about that, and you will get a heathy meal…

Today, I egged my cheating ex’s car. Actually, I should clarify; I egged my cheating ex’s sister’s car, thinking it was his. She gave me a black eye and knocked out two of my teeth while my ex laughed his ass off. FML

At least you didn´t got your car egged by no reason.

Today, I went for dinner and bowling with a woman I met online. The Mexican food was great but my bowels started feeling it during our first game. I slipped on the bowling lane and the impact of my ass hitting the ground made me shit myself. FML

Hope you at least won the game.

Today, when I woke up I saw that my bald head is covered with my wife’s period blood. Again. She does it regularly once a month, despite asking her not to. She thinks this blood activates hair growth. She is serious. FML

Just wait til she wants your beard to grow.

Today, my boyfriend of 7 years and I broke up right before my sister’s wedding, because he didn’t want to be there when we found out he gave the both of us an STD. FML

Just wait a couple of days and he will probably be willing to get back to you…

Today, multiple people pushed me out of the way to get a seat on the metro. I’m five months pregnant. FML

Five months is just past half of the pregnancy. And I bet some of them was bigger than you…

Today, I learned that there’s a billboard-sized photo of me and my ex hanging in the airport advertising my college. Travelers from all over the world have now seen me smiling at graduation with the guy who cheated on me after 3 years together. FML

Oh Memories.

Today, I came up with the idea of pranking my girlfriend by telling her that I knew she was cheating on me. She then apologized. FML

Oh, just tell her it was a prank and she will say that she had understood it and that her confession was a prank to… and it will all be forgotten… not… but oh well…

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend who is a VERY loud moaner. He kept saying my name over and over again then all of a sudden his mom comes in and says “yes hun…oh God sorry”…that’s how I found out I have the same name as my boyfriend’s mom. FML

That´s an embarrassing story, but there is at least two other people in this story that should be more embarrased then you…