Today, after 4 years of trying to help my husband with his gambling and drug addictions I was dumped for a homeless, drug addict with outstanding criminal warrants…and they are living in one of my cars. FML
Now you have one problem less.
Today my husband got drunk and wrecked the house. And when I say wrecked the house, I mean ripping everything off book shelves, Tearing the ceiling fan out of the wall, Opening the fridge and shoveling everything out. Glass everywhere. etc. and this isn’t the first time. I clean up every time. FML
You have the ceiling-fan at the wall?
Now you can finally understand that awkward smile your parent had on their faces when you told that joke…
Today I spent an hour getting ready for my first date of the year, only to wait 30 min in the cold and then walking back home by myself. Why didn’t he show up? On his way to the date he got invited for a threesome and decided to do that instead. FML
Well. it isn´t easy to compete with two others…
Today, my husband is pissed off, withholding affection, and not speaking to me. Why? I don’t want to have sex with random men while he watches. FML
You better suggest he should have sex with random girls while you watches… Wait… no Don´t.
Today, my boyfriend not only completely forgot my birthday but left me home alone with a busted shoulder in a sling to go trip on acid with his friends. I can’t move from this chair… FML
Acid is not good for you anyway. You should be glad you didn´t joined him.
Today I decided to shave my back with clippers by myself and of course there are little cut marks all over my back…my girl saw them and accused me of cheating and left me. FML
No problem, with a newly shaved back you will be hot in the singles market.
Today, I met my daughter’s first serious boyfriend, only she forgot to mention he has hypermobility. All I did was shaking his hand normally, but it still dislocated three of his knuckles. My daughter made me call his mother to explain what I did. FML
Good thing you didn´t gave hime a big bears hug.
Today, my boyfriend told me, while cuddling, that I am “just not sexy”. I try to seduce him regularly, but he always turns me down. But I should feel flattered: it proves how much he loves me, since he stays with me anyway. FML
Right. Or he could not get a sexy girlfriend.