Today, I went and had my first ultrasound done. My husband said he had a meeting at work, and couldn’t come. As I was leaving, I saw him at the doctor’s office with another heavily pregnant woman. FML
Maybee he just got an extra work as a doula…
Today, I accompanied a friend to the hospital to visit the guy I like, who was just out of surgery and still high. When he asked who we were, my friend immediately said that I was his wife. He then started bawling, saying, “Oh God! No! What did I do to deserve this?!?” FML
Just put him back to sleep and you can make a better first impression next time.
Today, my dad walked in on me jerking off. It wouldn’t have been so bad if I wasn’t Skyping my boyfriend, while both of us were totally naked. I had just told him to “put those toes in your mouth and I’ll cum like you’ve never seen before”. FML
Neither have your dad.
Today, while in the hospital recovering from surgery, I got into a fight with my wife. Apparently, she feels that I shouldn’t have gone to the hospital because “Funerals cost less than surgery.” She brought an extremely detailed spreadsheet to prove it. FML
Well. I guess she is right. Especially when you will definitely need a funeral later on, even if you take the surgery.
Today, my wife screamed to stop the car in an intersection, so I slammed on the brakes. From the left, an SUV rammed full force into us. My wife is unharmed, but I now have a broken left arm and our car is totaled. On the bright side, she caught the Pokémon in the road. FML
Might have been a very rare one.
Today, I went on a first date with a guy. As soon as we sat down at the restaurant, he immediately snatched my menu and said “You’re having salad.” FML
Well, two good things, you don´t have to think more about that, and you will get a heathy meal…
Today, I egged my cheating ex’s car. Actually, I should clarify; I egged my cheating ex’s sister’s car, thinking it was his. She gave me a black eye and knocked out two of my teeth while my ex laughed his ass off. FML
At least you didn´t got your car egged by no reason.
Today, I went for dinner and bowling with a woman I met online. The Mexican food was great but my bowels started feeling it during our first game. I slipped on the bowling lane and the impact of my ass hitting the ground made me shit myself. FML
Hope you at least won the game.
Today, when I woke up I saw that my bald head is covered with my wife’s period blood. Again. She does it regularly once a month, despite asking her not to. She thinks this blood activates hair growth. She is serious. FML
Just wait til she wants your beard to grow.
Today, my boyfriend of 7 years and I broke up right before my sister’s wedding, because he didn’t want to be there when we found out he gave the both of us an STD. FML
Just wait a couple of days and he will probably be willing to get back to you…