fml.nu

when life sucks… You can always see it from the bright side

Today, my wife is threatening divorce because I won’t hire her son, my stepson, at the company I work at. Even the lowest position at my company requires a degree in computing, and prior experience. My stepson dropped out of high school to “discover himself” 12 years ago. FML

Well, a wife with that kind of demands is not much to have so you might just aply for the divorce first.

Today, I announced to my fiance that I was pregnant with twins. He immediately called off the engagement, furious at me because we “agreed to only have one child”. Sorry my embryo decided to split in two. FML

You could have one each…

Today, my husband refuses to stop answering my phone calls with, “Haaaaail Satan!” FML

Just stop calling him. Forever.

Today, my wife and I went kayaking for the first time in the ocean. She got seasick and just before she threw up, leaned over the side and tipped the kayak over. FML

At least you are not seasick and had to throw up under the water like your wife.

Today, my girlfriend left me. I have no clue what to do with the holiday we have booked or the ring I was going to propose to her with on Valentine’s Day. FML

Just find another date with the same name.

Today, my girlfriend really needed to take a pee while we were fishing in my boat. Rather than go to shore, she decided to she could just go into a Snapple bottle. I watched as all her pee went straight onto the floor of my boat, soon realizing she had never even taken the bottle’s cap off. FML

Sorry to tell you. The worst thing is not that you have pee in your boat, but that you have a stupid girlfriend.

Today, at work, I bumped into what looked like a small child and said, “sorry, little man”. Turns out he actually was a “little person”. FML

You said exactly right. Little. man.

Today, I was listening to music on my phone. I activated Siri by mistake, which stopped the music. I told Siri to, “turn the damn music back on.” She replied, “Now calling Afton.” Afton is my ex. While trying to quickly end the call, my phone froze and the buttons stopped working. FML

I´m sure you had something to say to Afton.

Today, I went on a blind date. The first words that came out of his mouth were, “Rape isn’t bad if you think about it.” FML

Honesty is one of the qualities most people apreciate in a relationship.

Today, a woman was standing in front of me in line. There was a strand of hair on her back, so to be nice, I pulled it off her. It was still attached to her head. FML

Oh, that´s nothing. Today when standing in a line someone ripped a hair out of my head. Hurts like hell…