fml.nu

when life sucks… You can always see it from the bright side

Today, after 4 years of trying to help my husband with his gambling and drug addictions I was dumped for a homeless, drug addict with outstanding criminal warrants…and they are living in one of my cars. FML

Now you have one problem less.

Today my husband got drunk and wrecked the house. And when I say wrecked the house, I mean ripping everything off book shelves, Tearing the ceiling fan out of the wall, Opening the fridge and shoveling everything out. Glass everywhere. etc. and this isn’t the first time. I clean up every time. FML

You have the ceiling-fan at the wall?

Today, I found out the joke I’ve been telling for 15 years is true. I am adopted. FML

Now you can finally understand that awkward smile your parent had on their faces when you told that joke…

Today I spent an hour getting ready for my first date of the year, only to wait 30 min in the cold and then walking back home by myself. Why didn’t he show up? On his way to the date he got invited for a threesome and decided to do that instead. FML

Well. it isn´t easy to compete with two others…

Today, my husband is pissed off, withholding affection, and not speaking to me. Why? I don’t want to have sex with random men while he watches. FML

You better suggest he should have sex with random girls while you watches… Wait… no Don´t.

Today, my boyfriend not only completely forgot my birthday but left me home alone with a busted shoulder in a sling to go trip on acid with his friends. I can’t move from this chair… FML

Acid is not good for you anyway. You should be glad you didn´t joined him.

Today I decided to shave my back with clippers by myself and of course there are little cut marks all over my back…my girl saw them and accused me of cheating and left me. FML

No problem, with a newly shaved back you will be hot in the singles market.

Today, I met my daughter’s first serious boyfriend, only she forgot to mention he has hypermobility. All I did was shaking his hand normally, but it still dislocated three of his knuckles. My daughter made me call his mother to explain what I did. FML

Good thing you didn´t gave hime a big bears hug.

Today, my boyfriend told me, while cuddling, that I am “just not sexy”. I try to seduce him regularly, but he always turns me down. But I should feel flattered: it proves how much he loves me, since he stays with me anyway. FML

Right. Or he could not get a sexy girlfriend.

Today, I finally got home after not seeing my husband for a few months because of work. He grew an enormous ginger moustache like Yosemite Sam. After months apart, we are now arguing because he refuses to shave and I refuse to kiss him until he does. FML

What about sexual intercource?