Today, I injured my knee at a Zumba class, a class I joined to lose weight so my knees wouldn’t hurt so much. Now I can’t even go for a leisurely walk. FML
You can still do pushups.
Today, I determined that the only reason I still have a membership to my gym is that the special gummy bears they have in the vending machines are amazing. FML
Today, in an attempt to wash off some stress, I tried out a stress-reliever coloring book. I ended up not being able to color inside the lines, stressing me out even more as a result. FML
You can get a kids coloring book next time. There it´s easier to color inside the lines.
Today, after finishing a bottle and a half of pure cranberry juice to flush my bladder for a possible infection, I’ve been spewing liquid shits all day, my asshole burns and it hurts to sit. FML
Today, I got hit by a USPS truck. Luckily, I have car insurance. Just kidding. My insurance got cancelled two days ago for lack of responding to letters they sent. Letters that the USPS didn’t deliver. FML
Today, I decided to do naked yoga in my lounge room, as I always do. Later, I found a note on my front door saying “Keep doing what you’re doing”. FML
Today, I tried to get a piece of glass out of my big toe. After an hour of poking and prodding, I finally got it out only for it to fall on the floor where I couldn’t find it. Not five minutes later, I stepped on it again. FML
Today, I went to the gym to try to get into shape. While I was running on the treadmill, my beer belly pushed against the emergency stop button, twice. FML
Today, I strained so hard trying to take a crap that I broke a blood vessel in my eye. FML
Today, I started getting really bad chest pains at work. I googled it and the internet convinced me I was having a heart attack. Scared for my life, I started to dial for an ambulance when I let out the biggest fart you could ever imagine. Turns out it was trapped gas. FML