Today, I stepped on a glue trap for scorpions. Bare foot. There was a scorpion already caught on it. It wasn’t dead. FML
Don´t worry. You should be able to talk you out of the situation and you will be released.
Today, I went to put my coat on to go out. I put my hand in my pocket, not knowing there was a mouse sleeping in there. I squeezed it, it bit me and ran off. FML
Good thing it wasn´t a lion.
Today, my girlfriend’s chihuahua ate 500 dollars worth of textbook. FML
That´s still cheaper then the food she usually gives her.
Today, my dumbass cat sat on a lit candle. The whole house now smells like burnt hair and I now have to clip clumps of wax-burnt hair off his bum. FML
So, what about the cat!
He could have chosen a tiger
Today, my 10-year-old son introduced me to Tom, his new best friend, and insisted we have him over to dinner. Tom is a slug. FML
They recognize the litterbox
Today, while changing the litter in the cat box, the brand new carton ripped open, spilling all twelve pounds of cat litter over my kitchen floor. Both cats promptly rushed over and began frantically urinating all over it. FML
You learned a lesson. Don´t try to put a horse. No matter what.
Today, I was grooming one of my horses, when she stepped on my foot. I yelled and frantically tried to push her away. She turned her head toward me and shifted the rest of her weight onto my foot. I’m in the hospital now. FML
Good thing it wasn´t a robber. He would have done the same
Today, I woke up to noises in my living room. I was scared, but I loaded my gun and snuck downstairs. I burst into the living room, yelled for the motherfucker robbing me to put his hands up, and flicked on the light. My cat stared back at me like I was a moron then calmly walked out. FML
Good place to pass out
Today, I passed out in my kitchen and was woken up by my dog. Not because she was worried about me, but because my body was blocking her food dish. FML
Hope the pussy didn´t get wet
Today, I was taking a bath after a long day at work. I closed my eyes and listened to music. My cat thought this was the perfect time to come out of his hiding spot and jump in the bath. Once he realized it was filled with water, he freaked out and dug his claws into my face. FML