Today I was walking around the mall and I saw my crush from high school. He came up to me and instead of talking to him I burped, and he just walked away. FML
Good. Just continue playing hard to get.
Today, my husband came home with a snake. I’m terrified of snakes. He made me hold it and it bit me. I am in the hospital, and he is still keeping the snake. FML
If it didn´t had bite you you would have gone over it.
Today, I was awoken at 1:30am by a strange noise, and something tugging on my hair. I opened my eyes, to find a very large rat sitting on my pillow, chewing my hair. FML
Good thing it wasn´t your cat. You can´t keep a cat that is chewing your hair.
Today, while sleeping off my hangover, my niece asked me to get her a drink. I gave her a beer, I didn’t notice it until it was gone. She is only 6 years old. FML
You will be remembered as the best nephew ever. (By some).
Today, I decided to take my car to work as I had some errands to do after. I only live a few blocks away. After driving round to find a car park for ages, the closest car park available was outside my house. I ended up walking to work instead. FML
Good thing noone had taken that spot while you were drivning around.
Today, while on a picnic with my boyfriend, he got a little drunk. All of a sudden, he got up pulled his pants down and pissed all over me. His excuse…. “Just marking my territory.” FML
Oh, that is so cute… He don´t wan´t anybody else to have you… Or wait… dump him…
Today, my date and I were getting to know each other, and we talked about our favorite music. He’s into metal. Trying to impress him, I mention I like metal too. He said his favorite band is “The Gonzorks” and I mentioned that’s my favorite too. He looked at me dead and cold and said “Um, actually that band doesn’t exist.” FML
Maybee not yet but…
Today my mom was looking for the nail polish remover in my closet. Instead, she found a box of condoms, a pink vibrator, and a pregnancy test… all right next to each other. FML
Good thing she didn´t found a dead body.
Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend when I said the wrong name in bed. On top of that it was the name of her ex-husband’s ex-girlfriend. Who he cheated on my girlfriend with while they were together. FML
Just said you were thinking of her to make it last longer…