Today, I was playing basketball, and while trying to jump and shoot, I farted on the face of the person behind me. FML
That´s not against the rules and could give you an advantage so just keep playing. Winning is everything. Reputation is nothing.
Just stop calling him. Forever.
Today, I was walking down my road in the hill-country of Texas, when I spotted something shiny buried in the dirt. Thinking it could be something interesting, I picked it up, and, after turning it over numerous times in my hand, realized that it was, in fact, an old silver bullet vibrator. FML
Could have been worse. It could have been an butt-plug…
Today, my wife and I went kayaking for the first time in the ocean. She got seasick and just before she threw up, leaned over the side and tipped the kayak over. FML
At least you are not seasick and had to throw up under the water like your wife.
Today, I got a phone call from my boss, who’d hired me after two months of waiting and begging for this position. A week into the job, the company is closing our store. FML
Now you can go back doing whatever you did before.
Today, I went to put my coat on to go out. I put my hand in my pocket, not knowing there was a mouse sleeping in there. I squeezed it, it bit me and ran off. FML
Good thing it wasn´t a lion.
Today, I received a company-wide email from my boss, praising a coworker’s extra effort at improving our line of business. The coworker’s efforts were a direct copy-and-paste of a plan I put together three months ago. No one cared when I gave the presentation. FML
It is all about timing you know.
Today, I met my teacher after school to talk about a paper on which he gave me a low grade. I told him that I felt it was wrongly graded and he agreed. He lowered my score. FML
Just go talk to him again. He can´t make it much lower.
Today, I injured my knee at a Zumba class, a class I joined to lose weight so my knees wouldn’t hurt so much. Now I can’t even go for a leisurely walk. FML
You can still do pushups.
Today, my girlfriend left me. I have no clue what to do with the holiday we have booked or the ring I was going to propose to her with on Valentine’s Day. FML
Just find another date with the same name.