Today, we had a test in history. My best friend, who was sitting right behind me, had forgotten about it and put his finger in his throat to vomit. It sprayed all over his desk, his pants, and the entirety of my back. FML
That gives you a perfectly fine excuse not to do the test
Today, I went and had my first ultrasound done. My husband said he had a meeting at work, and couldn’t come. As I was leaving, I saw him at the doctor’s office with another heavily pregnant woman. FML
Maybee he just got an extra work as a doula…
Today, I told my dad I started taking jiu-jitsu lessons. He responded by laughing and saying, “Martial arts are for pussies, you should just get a gun.” FML
Well, just kick him in the groin.
Today, while on vacation with my boyfriend, I decided it would be a good time to try getting intimate with him for the first time. It turns out his penis is so small that I get more enjoyment from a tampon applicator. We’re stuck in this cabin for another 5 days. FML
Well, there must be something else he could use.
Today, I accompanied a friend to the hospital to visit the guy I like, who was just out of surgery and still high. When he asked who we were, my friend immediately said that I was his wife. He then started bawling, saying, “Oh God! No! What did I do to deserve this?!?” FML
Just put him back to sleep and you can make a better first impression next time.
Yea, I could also pay to get some time for myself…
Today, my dad walked in on me jerking off. It wouldn’t have been so bad if I wasn’t Skyping my boyfriend, while both of us were totally naked. I had just told him to “put those toes in your mouth and I’ll cum like you’ve never seen before”. FML
Neither have your dad.
Today, my dog became too old to eat dry food. A $9 bag used to last him 3 weeks. The equivalent in the cheapest canned food is $63. FML
Well, if your dog had a “little accident” your expenses for dogfood should be just about zero.
Today, I told my roommate that I was an atheist and she laughed. I left and returned to find her and her prayer group praying for my soul. She told me to accept Jesus Christ as my lord and savior. I said no. Then she told me to find somewhere else to live. FML
See, accepting Jesus Christ as your lord and savior could have helped you out a lot there.
Today, I had my first glass of red wine after months of pregnancy and giving birth. Just as I sat down and started to relax, I spilled it all over myself and my in-law’s couch. FML
All good. It´s not good to drink so much while breastfeeding either so good thing you didn´t swallowed all that wine.