Today, my boss installed a comment box for anonymous suggestions on how to improve the workplace. So far, I’ve received 5 notes from my employees requesting that I be fired or replaced by a hotter woman as it’s the best way to improve the company. FML
Great. So the business is going on just fine.
Today, when I woke up I saw that my bald head is covered with my wife’s period blood. Again. She does it regularly once a month, despite asking her not to. She thinks this blood activates hair growth. She is serious. FML
Just wait til she wants your beard to grow.
Today, I started my new job as a UPS delivery guy. I successfully delivered only 3 out of the 25 packages: One to my ex and his new boyfriend, one to an elderly lady who pissed herself because I “rang the bell too loud” and one to a little girl who screamed, “Stranger danger!” FML
Oh, well you could probably get of your shift early.
Well, don´t worry. Periodic fast is healthy too.
Today, my boyfriend of 7 years and I broke up right before my sister’s wedding, because he didn’t want to be there when we found out he gave the both of us an STD. FML
Just wait a couple of days and he will probably be willing to get back to you…
Oh, that´s nothing against the cost of fixing the house.
Today, I told my dad I had depression. He responded with, “Why do all gay people have depression?” I’m not gay. FML
So, why are you depressed?
Today, I woke up extremely hung over on a friend’s couch after a night of heavy drinking and partying. To my horror, I discovered that, in my drunken state, I’d allowed said friend’s six-year-old daughter to trim my hair. I now have a bowl cut. FML
But all your pubic-hair is still left, right?
Today, I woke up to 7 texts about the data overage charges that were accrued last night while I slept. Apparently my phone used nearly 8 GB of data, with no apps open, while I was sound asleep, leaving me with a $63 fee. FML
Just turn of that feature to automatic download movies when recieving a SMS.
Well, you are doing pushups quit often those days, so just admit you like it.