Today, I came outside to leave for work. To my shock and horror my car was gone. My asshole neighbor, who has parked in my spot multiple times decided to let her noisy guests park in my parking spot, so I parked in hers. She had my car towed. FML
Just take the car at your spot.
Today, while arguing with my husband, I asked him what makes him so angry. He threw a spoon at the kitchen floor and yelled, “ I AM NOT ANGRY!!!!” FML
Alright then. No problem.
You still have a second nipple
Today, I was sitting on my bike texting when someone snatched my phone and ran. Like an idiot, I jumped off my bike and ran after him. He then ran in a big circle, got on my bike and sped off. FML
Just borrow a phone, dial your own number and ask him to give the stuff back.
Just sing a song instead.
Today, I was texting while walking up the stairs to my porch. When I looked up, I saw someone standing behind the porch door, and was so scared that I fell backwards down the stairs. Turns out, it was just my reflection. FML
Well, you could probably ask for indemnity from yourself for causing that accident…
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. Why? Because I became a vegetarian. Apparently, he doesn’t believe in “not eating meat.” FML
Don´t bother about it. In a crises he would be to no help but rather eat you.
Today, I discovered that my cool, unique first name translates to “unwanted” in Hindi. Both my parents studied abroad in India for five years. FML
They probably didn´t pick up that much of the language when they were there…
Today, I found out that my girlfriend actually broke up with me a week ago. Apparently, she thought it wasn’t necessary to tell me, she just assumed I’d figure it out on my own. FML
And so you did…
Today, as I was coming out of McDonald’s, there was a street musician playing outside. He had his saxophone case open for money. I meant to give him a ten, and it wasn’t until I got home later that I realized I’d accidentally given him a hundred-dollar bill. FML
Next time you pass him. Just take $90 back from the case. He will understand.