when life sucks… You can always see it from the bright side

Don´t worry, you will probably get a second chance in a couple of weeks

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me while I had a fever from a stomach virus. I was shivering with cold sweats while she explained there was nothing wrong with our relationship, but she would regret not giving her cheating ex a second chance. FML

Don´t complain as long as no pee is on you

Today, my boyfriend was truly upset because I refused to pee on him. FML

Take it easy. Next time he will help you pick out yours.

Today, I learned that marriage isn’t all roses and sunshine. Instead, it’s digging an infected ingrown hair out of your husband’s ass cheek because he can’t reach it himself. FML

And now your line is “- So did they back in the days to, obviously”.

Today, I was talking to my mum about how I’d quite like to have kids someday. She responded: “Well, nowadays they let singles adopt as well, don’t they?” FML

She enjoyed it so much so she is speachless, or maybee she just didn´t noticed

Today, I had sex with my girlfriend. This is the seventh time in a row that she hasn’t moved or made any noises the entire way through. FML

But the wall is still ok…

Today, I walked into a wall, smashing my laptop into the top of my eye socket. This was all because I was carrying my laptop, phone and chocolate mug cake, all while trying to watch Netflix on said laptop. I feel like a 2016 cliché. FML

That one beer wouldn´t had made you drunk anyway

Today, I set my beer on the windowsill while I made space for it on the table. Suddenly, the wind knocked the window open. Into my beer. Into a box of expensive electronics. It was the last beer. FML

That saved you a lot of responsibility

Today, after years busting my hump for my father’s business with the understanding of one day taking it over, he informed me that my nephew, who has never shown any interest in the company, is being brought in to take it over. FML

Just open it and look if she wrote something inside it. Cheaters are so sofisticated those days

Today, I’m supervising an exam. I spot a girl who goes to the bathroom with a paper in her pocket. Proud to stop her in time, I waved the paper. It was a sanitary napkin. FML

Good thing. Now you both earn money at work, and don´t loose them by playing at the casino

Today, I got a job at a casino where I was actually planning on spending my 21st birthday next month. After they hired me, they told me no employees are allowed to play or gamble on or off the clock, for as long as they are employed there, or termination will immediately follow. FML