when life sucks… You can always see it from the bright side

Today, I got slapped by a woman standing in front of me in line after a little kid grabbed her butt. FML

Just do the same to a girl another time and blame the kid.

Today, I accidentally sent a dick pic to my coach instead of my girlfriend. He sent one back. FML

Well, just send it to your whole contactlist. You might get some more.

Today, while playing on stage, the singer of my band swung his microphone around, straight into my face. I now have stitches above my right eye, and a job interview in three days. FML

You are a bad ass musician.

Today, I tried to remove my contact lens, but it wouldn’t budge. Turns out I was pulling on my cornea. I now have a pool of blood in my eye. FML

Thats why we have two eyes.

Today, picking up my children from school, I overheard some kids saying what a rotten person their dad was, and how they hated him. It was my kids talking to their friends about me! Why? Because I didn’t buy them a bag of jelly beans the day before. FML

Now you know how to be the best dad ever.

Today, it’s my 18th birthday. As I moved out of home to study, and currently spend 95% of my wage on rent, I asked my mother for any amount of money as my gift. I desperately need new shoes and underwear, and haven’t eaten for two days. Instead, I got a pair of earrings. FML

At least you will look good when you starve to death. (Don´t bother about the smell from the underwear. You want smell that good anyway.)

Today, I asked my boyfriend of 7 months to come over on Valentine’s Day so I can cook dinner for him. He asked if he could invite his wife over as well. Guess who’s newly single right before Valentine’s Day! FML

Hmm… His wife?

Today, I woke up feeling ill. My mom sent me to school anyway, and grounded me for “lying” about being sick. As soon as I got to school, I began vomiting blood. FML

Great. There you showed her.

Today, accustomed to dealing with my old car’s faulty accelerator, I pressed the pedal way too hard in my new car and crashed into a pillar, totaling the engine and giving myself a concussion. I could still see the dealership down the street. FML

Just go back and tell them you are not buying that car that you took for a testdrive.

Today, my girlfriend told me that I have “too much foreskin” and that I’d need to get circumcised if we were going to stay together. I’m already circumcised. FML

Just take all of the skin at the thing off. Or wait…