fml.nu

when life sucks… You can always see it from the bright side

Today, someone broke into my house and stole all of my underwear. FML

It won´t cost you so much to buy new ones… You might not get so much from your insurancecompany though.

Today, I went on a blind date with a girl. I was trying to be funny and joked, “I’ve never been on a blind date because I was afraid my date would be blind.” She started crying because she’s visually impaired and had just built up the courage to start dating. FML

Just explain to her you like visually impaired because that means you don´t have to look good.

Today, on my way to work, I realized that I took my Viagra instead of my blood pressure medication. FML

Just explain to your coworkers what happend and they can watch so everything is alright with your bloodpressure… and your thing.

Today, I went for dinner and bowling with a woman I met online. The Mexican food was great but my bowels started feeling it during our first game. I slipped on the bowling lane and the impact of my ass hitting the ground made me shit myself. FML

Hope you at least won the game.

Today, I was volunteering at a soup kitchen and was advised to leave my wallet and cell phone in my car so they wouldn’t be stolen. Someone broke into my car and stole them. FML

Great. Your insurance will cover that much better.

Today, my boss installed a comment box for anonymous suggestions on how to improve the workplace. So far, I’ve received 5 notes from my employees requesting that I be fired or replaced by a hotter woman as it’s the best way to improve the company. FML

Great. So the business is going on just fine.

Today, when I woke up I saw that my bald head is covered with my wife’s period blood. Again. She does it regularly once a month, despite asking her not to. She thinks this blood activates hair growth. She is serious. FML

Just wait til she wants your beard to grow.

Today, I started my new job as a UPS delivery guy. I successfully delivered only 3 out of the 25 packages: One to my ex and his new boyfriend, one to an elderly lady who pissed herself because I “rang the bell too loud” and one to a little girl who screamed, “Stranger danger!” FML

Oh, well you could probably get of your shift early.

Today, I decided to eat healthier. I started with making 2 eggs and burning down whole kitchen. FML

Well, don´t worry. Periodic fast is healthy too.

Today, my boyfriend of 7 years and I broke up right before my sister’s wedding, because he didn’t want to be there when we found out he gave the both of us an STD. FML

Just wait a couple of days and he will probably be willing to get back to you…