Today, my boss called me into his office to show me the web site of a potential business partner. When he began to type ‘virginia’ into google, it auto-completed his search with his recent search for ‘virgin boy assholes’. I have to go on business trip with him tomorrow. I’m a young guy. FML
Just get rid of your ass virginity before tomorrow and he might not be interested.
Today, a storm dropped a tree across my road. I would have moved it with my tractor, but there was a tree on that too. FML
Just bring out the saw and get to work.
Today, I was looking through my university email searching for a specific message. That’s when I found an email from back in January saying I won the giveaway the school’s gym held for a GoPro. It’s now May. FML
Today, I announced to my fiance that I was pregnant with twins. He immediately called off the engagement, furious at me because we “agreed to only have one child”. Sorry my embryo decided to split in two. FML
You could have one each…
Today I returned home after three months of vacation. None of my friends had even realized I had left. FML
Next time, just send them postcards and they will know…
Today, I was playing basketball, and while trying to jump and shoot, I farted on the face of the person behind me. FML
That´s not against the rules and could give you an advantage so just keep playing. Winning is everything. Reputation is nothing.
Just stop calling him. Forever.
Today, I was walking down my road in the hill-country of Texas, when I spotted something shiny buried in the dirt. Thinking it could be something interesting, I picked it up, and, after turning it over numerous times in my hand, realized that it was, in fact, an old silver bullet vibrator. FML
Could have been worse. It could have been an butt-plug…
Today, my wife and I went kayaking for the first time in the ocean. She got seasick and just before she threw up, leaned over the side and tipped the kayak over. FML
At least you are not seasick and had to throw up under the water like your wife.
Today, I got a phone call from my boss, who’d hired me after two months of waiting and begging for this position. A week into the job, the company is closing our store. FML
Now you can go back doing whatever you did before.