Today, I learned that the new granite countertop in my parents’ house cost $12,000. Coincidentally, this is also the amount of money I would have needed to go to the college of my dreams instead of the cheaper school I currently attend. FML
That is priorities my friend. A collage education will be over in 4 years. A roof top will last much longer.
Today, I woke up with a massive hangover after passing out at a wild party the night before. Apparently my friends couldn’t find a marker, because I woke up with dozens of dicks drawn on my body and face in henna. I have a job interview today. FML
Just go to the interview with a burka.
Today, I got into a minor car accident. No one got hurt, but the person that hit me was my father. Everyone thought he died 8 years ago. FML
Good thing he didn´t died in that accident. That would have been confusing to figure out if he died in the accident or if he actually already was dead, driving around in this car.
It won´t cost you so much to buy new ones… You might not get so much from your insurancecompany though.
Today, I went on a blind date with a girl. I was trying to be funny and joked, “I’ve never been on a blind date because I was afraid my date would be blind.” She started crying because she’s visually impaired and had just built up the courage to start dating. FML
Just explain to her you like visually impaired because that means you don´t have to look good.
Today, on my way to work, I realized that I took my Viagra instead of my blood pressure medication. FML
Just explain to your coworkers what happend and they can watch so everything is alright with your bloodpressure… and your thing.
Today, I went for dinner and bowling with a woman I met online. The Mexican food was great but my bowels started feeling it during our first game. I slipped on the bowling lane and the impact of my ass hitting the ground made me shit myself. FML
Hope you at least won the game.
Today, I was volunteering at a soup kitchen and was advised to leave my wallet and cell phone in my car so they wouldn’t be stolen. Someone broke into my car and stole them. FML
Great. Your insurance will cover that much better.
Today, my boss installed a comment box for anonymous suggestions on how to improve the workplace. So far, I’ve received 5 notes from my employees requesting that I be fired or replaced by a hotter woman as it’s the best way to improve the company. FML
Great. So the business is going on just fine.